As long as you're mine

Wonderful Tavish,
It's December 12. You have been with us for 3 wonderful days. I have held you closer than I ever thought I would be able to. The first two days gave us more hope than we could have ever imagined, but now you're having trouble and I fear we may have to say goodbye to you soon. You started having apnea episodes, and there's not a lot the doctors can do about it. We're trying caffeine therapy, but they aren't too hopeful it will help. Some times it does, sometimes it does't. We'll know soon. But as long as you're here with me, I will hold you close, rock you, and sing to you.

I have you on my chest, skin to skin, because I know that's your favorite place to be. You lay your head on my shoulder, and place your hand next to it. You're so strong, little man; and stubborn too. Once you're in your place, you don't like to move. And that's ok. as long as you're mine, I'll hold you, rock you, and tell you of my love for you.

The nurses asked me what kind of music I wanted. I told them Christmas music, because its my favorite. I so desperately want to share the most wonderful time of the year with you. My favorite song is "Sleigh Ride," and now its played twice. I sing it you as you sleep, lying on my chest, breathing with me. Wanna know why it's my favorite? It reminds me of when life was simpler. The time when family got together on cold snowy evenings and gathered around a warm cozy fire. It reminds me of home, and safety. And I want to share this with you because I don't want you to ever feel like you're not safe and warm, and loved more than I can explain.

Its now December 13th. You've had several apnea episodes right in a row. The doctors are asking us what we want to do. Your dad and I don't want to keep you here if you are ready to go. But we don't want to give up if you still want to fight. It's hard, but we don't want to be selfish either. We talk, and we cry, and then we decide to take you off the monitors, and just hold you. We don't want to lose you while a stranger is trying to bring you back. As long as you're mine, I'll hold you, and love you. I'll rock you, and sing to you, and Tavish, believe me when I tell you, that as long as you're mine I'll continue to fight for you.

As long as your spirit fights to live, I will fight to make that happen,but when you tell me it's time to let go, I promise to fight for you then too. And that, my dear little boy, will be the hardest fight of all. More than fighting against the doctors, to prove that you are strong, I will need to fight against myself in order to let you go.

Now you are gone, my brave little explorer. It was easy to fight for your survival. How could I not? I wanted nothing more than to keep you with me. But your body, and your spirit, said it was time to go. You told me that my fight for your survival was over, and I listened. It wasn't easy, but I made the choice you wanted me to make. You told me that your body was no longer mine to hold on to.  Now, however, is the hardest fight of all. Fighting myself, and how very much I wish I could have held on to you forever. I promise, though, that is also a fight I will win, because you are mine, and knowing you has given me the strength to do so. You are brave, little warrior, and now its time for mommy to be brave too. I love you, my darling little rockstar, and I can't wait until we meet again.

Love,
Mom