Questions

My brave little boy,
the last couple of days have been hard for Momma. I had four good days in a row, which I think is a record so far, but yesterday and today, not so much. I saw a video another mom posted about her little girl. This girl has full T13, just like you, but she is now 5. I know moms post things like this to give others hope. I love that they share their stories, and encourage others that T13 is not always a death sentence. But, right now, it makes me angry. It makes me want to scream and cry and throw things. Why not you? I know you beat the odds in many ways. I got to hold you for 4 beautiful days. The doctors didn't think you would even make it that far. You are my little rockstar, you fought so hard. But why? Why did you have to have apnea? Why couldn't the caffeine therapy have worked for you like it has for other kids? Why did I have to let you go? It's not fair.

My heart is broken. It feels like there is a hole in my chest that will never close. I know your dad and I will have another child someday. Well meaning people have reminded me of this on a few occasions. I smile, and nod. I know where their hearts are when they say this. That doesn't change the fact that I lost YOU. Right now, all I want is YOU. We won't get YOU back, and right now, that is the only thing that would heal this wound in my heart.

On bad days, like yesterday and today, I can't stop my mind from asking questions. Did we really do all we could to save you? Should we have looked in to the ventilator? We didn't want it because we thought you would need it if you had respiratory issues, and it wouldn't help. But you didn't have respiratory issues. You had apnea. It was a brain issue. I ask myself fi we had put you on the ventilator, would that have given the caffeine therapy more time to work? I have since heard stories of Trisomy kids that that helped, it just took a little longer. I know asking these questions doesn't change the fact that you are gone. But I can't help myself. I want to go back, I want to make things different, but I don't know that that would have done any good. I don't know that that would have changed the outcome.

I was told from the beginning that daddy and I should do our research, and make decisions that we would not regret. We thought we were doing that. But how can I not have any regrets when I lost you? I will always wonder if there was more that could have been done to save you, especially on bad days. My biggest regret is that I couldn't save you. There is no way to change that; I don't want to change that. I am happy that you are whole and healed now, but I wish more than anything that you were still in my arms.

I will always love you, sweet Tavish.

Love,
Mom