Dear beloved Tavish,
tonight I went to a church service that focused on honoring grief in the midst of the Christmas season. It was a very special experience for me because I got to light a candle for you, and honor you in this season. They spoke about the darkness that comes with grief, but how the light of Christ cannot be overcome by the darkness.
It made me think specifically of the purpose of Advent. In the season of Advent, the focus is meant to be on the time spent waiting in the darkness until the birth of Christ brings about the greatest light the world ever knew. I think too often we focus so much on the joy of Christ's birth that we forget the season leading up to it was dark and gloomy. When looked at from that perspective, however, treating December as "the most wonderful time of the year" is actually wrong. Christ's birth was the most wonderful event ever, but we had to wait and hope, and look towards his birth. The joy was in the waiting, and the hope that the light would come.
Looking at it from this perspective reminds me of how I feel about you. Life will never be the same again. At times it's pretty dark. But I have joy in the hope and the knowledge that I will see you again. Like Advent, I am waiting joyfully until the moment that the light comes into the world-the day that you and I are reunited. I can have this joy because of the hope that Christ gave us in coming to earth. And when I shift the perspective from "I must be happy because it's Christmas, and Christmas is a happy time of year" to "I am waiting right now, joyfully, expectantly waiting for the time that the darkness is gone," I don't have to pretend because the season is about waiting, and looking forward to the best that is yet to come.
Precious Tavish, I want to honor your memory, and I want to honor my feelings. I want to have a deeper connection to this season, beyond the surface excitement of love and presents. I want my life to truly reflect the change that God is working in me because I am your mom. I want to be able to say Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Not because of the pretty lights or traditions, but because it is the time of year that I can honestly say I understand the joy in waiting for the greatest gift of all.
I love you sweet Tavish, and I pray to God I can live my life in a way that honors you and allows your passing to have an impact on those I come into contact with.
Run and play with grandpa sweet baby boy.
Until we meet again, I will be joyfully waiting.
Love,
Mom
