My sweet baby Tavish,
had you lived, you would be almost 2 right now. I like to imagine that your dad and I would have dressed you up for halloween in the cutest little costume. I may have even convinced him to bring the dogs along. It would have been a big family affair. Instead, we had a night in with friends. We handed out candy to other kids that came to the door, and watched Hocus Pocus (it's a classic from my childhood. I'm sure you would have laughed and giggled at the silly antics in it).
I love the life I have, but I long for the life you had. I look forward excitedly for the day your dad and I will have brothers and sisters for you. I know that the path I am on now is vastly different from the one I would have been on if i had never gotten to love you. I try to keep in mind that God is guiding me and that He has a master plan in all of this, but that doesn't really make this season of life any easier.
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled in the fall. The cooler weather, the darker days, and of course the non-stop storms, all make the fall a very hard time of year for me. But now, it is also the time that reminds me we are approaching another year without you. Even if my head isn't consciously thinking of it, my heart knows, and my body knows. I wake up with higher anxiety, and struggle more to make it through the day. My headaches increase, and I find it harder to find activities that I enjoy. My life is not the same without you.
I have so many things I want to do to honor you, but all of them are really big ideas, planted by a very real desire to use your story to change the world. Right now, I don't feel like I can do much of any of them. I am so busy striving for things that are good, but that I feel have no real importance to them. I don't know if I will ever feel like what I am doing has enough importance for the weight that has been placed on me to share the light that you gave me.
You are so precious, my sweet son, and I want the world to know this. I struggle because I want so badly to do you justice, and I am afraid I never will. Know this though, that I will always love you, and I will do my best to share you with everyone I can.
Love,
Mom
