Dear beloved Tavish,
tonight I went to a church service that focused on honoring grief in the midst of the Christmas season. It was a very special experience for me because I got to light a candle for you, and honor you in this season. They spoke about the darkness that comes with grief, but how the light of Christ cannot be overcome by the darkness.
It made me think specifically of the purpose of Advent. In the season of Advent, the focus is meant to be on the time spent waiting in the darkness until the birth of Christ brings about the greatest light the world ever knew. I think too often we focus so much on the joy of Christ's birth that we forget the season leading up to it was dark and gloomy. When looked at from that perspective, however, treating December as "the most wonderful time of the year" is actually wrong. Christ's birth was the most wonderful event ever, but we had to wait and hope, and look towards his birth. The joy was in the waiting, and the hope that the light would come.
Looking at it from this perspective reminds me of how I feel about you. Life will never be the same again. At times it's pretty dark. But I have joy in the hope and the knowledge that I will see you again. Like Advent, I am waiting joyfully until the moment that the light comes into the world-the day that you and I are reunited. I can have this joy because of the hope that Christ gave us in coming to earth. And when I shift the perspective from "I must be happy because it's Christmas, and Christmas is a happy time of year" to "I am waiting right now, joyfully, expectantly waiting for the time that the darkness is gone," I don't have to pretend because the season is about waiting, and looking forward to the best that is yet to come.
Precious Tavish, I want to honor your memory, and I want to honor my feelings. I want to have a deeper connection to this season, beyond the surface excitement of love and presents. I want my life to truly reflect the change that God is working in me because I am your mom. I want to be able to say Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Not because of the pretty lights or traditions, but because it is the time of year that I can honestly say I understand the joy in waiting for the greatest gift of all.
I love you sweet Tavish, and I pray to God I can live my life in a way that honors you and allows your passing to have an impact on those I come into contact with.
Run and play with grandpa sweet baby boy.
Until we meet again, I will be joyfully waiting.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Never Enough
My sweet baby Tavish,
had you lived, you would be almost 2 right now. I like to imagine that your dad and I would have dressed you up for halloween in the cutest little costume. I may have even convinced him to bring the dogs along. It would have been a big family affair. Instead, we had a night in with friends. We handed out candy to other kids that came to the door, and watched Hocus Pocus (it's a classic from my childhood. I'm sure you would have laughed and giggled at the silly antics in it).
I love the life I have, but I long for the life you had. I look forward excitedly for the day your dad and I will have brothers and sisters for you. I know that the path I am on now is vastly different from the one I would have been on if i had never gotten to love you. I try to keep in mind that God is guiding me and that He has a master plan in all of this, but that doesn't really make this season of life any easier.
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled in the fall. The cooler weather, the darker days, and of course the non-stop storms, all make the fall a very hard time of year for me. But now, it is also the time that reminds me we are approaching another year without you. Even if my head isn't consciously thinking of it, my heart knows, and my body knows. I wake up with higher anxiety, and struggle more to make it through the day. My headaches increase, and I find it harder to find activities that I enjoy. My life is not the same without you.
I have so many things I want to do to honor you, but all of them are really big ideas, planted by a very real desire to use your story to change the world. Right now, I don't feel like I can do much of any of them. I am so busy striving for things that are good, but that I feel have no real importance to them. I don't know if I will ever feel like what I am doing has enough importance for the weight that has been placed on me to share the light that you gave me.
You are so precious, my sweet son, and I want the world to know this. I struggle because I want so badly to do you justice, and I am afraid I never will. Know this though, that I will always love you, and I will do my best to share you with everyone I can.
Love,
Mom
had you lived, you would be almost 2 right now. I like to imagine that your dad and I would have dressed you up for halloween in the cutest little costume. I may have even convinced him to bring the dogs along. It would have been a big family affair. Instead, we had a night in with friends. We handed out candy to other kids that came to the door, and watched Hocus Pocus (it's a classic from my childhood. I'm sure you would have laughed and giggled at the silly antics in it).
I love the life I have, but I long for the life you had. I look forward excitedly for the day your dad and I will have brothers and sisters for you. I know that the path I am on now is vastly different from the one I would have been on if i had never gotten to love you. I try to keep in mind that God is guiding me and that He has a master plan in all of this, but that doesn't really make this season of life any easier.
You see, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled in the fall. The cooler weather, the darker days, and of course the non-stop storms, all make the fall a very hard time of year for me. But now, it is also the time that reminds me we are approaching another year without you. Even if my head isn't consciously thinking of it, my heart knows, and my body knows. I wake up with higher anxiety, and struggle more to make it through the day. My headaches increase, and I find it harder to find activities that I enjoy. My life is not the same without you.
I have so many things I want to do to honor you, but all of them are really big ideas, planted by a very real desire to use your story to change the world. Right now, I don't feel like I can do much of any of them. I am so busy striving for things that are good, but that I feel have no real importance to them. I don't know if I will ever feel like what I am doing has enough importance for the weight that has been placed on me to share the light that you gave me.
You are so precious, my sweet son, and I want the world to know this. I struggle because I want so badly to do you justice, and I am afraid I never will. Know this though, that I will always love you, and I will do my best to share you with everyone I can.
Love,
Mom
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