Dear Tavish,
October has been a hard month. Lat year at this time you were snuggled safely inside of me. I could feel your kicks and flips. This year, I get to look at the beautiful pictures other people post of their babies, and hear about the kicks and flips other mommas feel. For some reason this is a harder month to acknowledge you're gone than previous months have been. My heart just hurts to have you in my arms, my sweet baby boy. You would be almost 11 months old now.
The longer I go without you, the more I want to have what other moms have. I don't care that I get to sleep in. I want to watch you sleep, snuggled in my arms. I want to hear your laugh, and see you smile. And if I can't have that with you, I want it with a brother or sister of yours. I want a sibling for you so badly right now. Badly enough to say that I want that above all else. Above getting my interpreters certification, above traveling, above all of it.
I wouldn't trade what I had with you for the world, but I want more. I didn't have enough time with you, and I desperately want that with another child. My heart is struggling right now. I want it so badly, but adoption is so expensive. IVF is cheaper, but there's moral issues with our situation. I don't want to choose to discard another baby simply because they have T13, but I don't want to wait until we have the money to adopt.
I know you're happy and healthy, but your mama's heart hurts right now. I miss you my sweet little one. I can't wait until I get to see you again. Until then, run and play. Say hi to the other Trisomy kids, and give your grandpa a hug. I love you.
Love,
Mom
